CCC #2230 When they become adults, children have the
right and duty to choose their
profession and state of life.
They should assume their new responsibilities within a trusting relationship
with their parents, willingly asking and receiving their advice and counsel.
Parents should be careful not to exert pressure on their children either in the
choice of a profession or in that of a spouse. This necessary restraint does
not prevent them - quite the contrary from giving their children judicious
advice, particularly when they are planning to start a family.
The Role of the Father in Teaching His Sons about Human
Sexuality
To say that parents
are the primary educators of their children is not simply to claim that the
authority of parents should be protected and upheld. This is true, we
should uphold it, and society and the government should respect the fundamental
right of parents to make educational decisions regarding their children.
But the claim that parents are the primary educators of their children is much
more than an assertion of parental rights. It is also a statement of the
simple fact that from the earliest age children look to their parents to
understand the world around them and their place in it. Parents mediate
the world to their children, and a large part of how a child understands
reality is the result of his or her experience as a person in a family.
A clear example of
this mediation is the indispensable and irreplaceable role of the father in the
education of his sons in the area of human sexuality. A father’s
authority to teach is intimately connected to his living example as the father
of his children and the husband of his wife, the children’s mother.
Simply because he is the father, his sons naturally look to him as a role model
for the proper treatment of women, imitating how he cares for their mother and
sisters. The father has a privileged position from which he can teach his
sons about God’s plan for human sexuality and fruitfulness, unfolding this
topic in its proper context and full dimension. This is an area where it
is simply not possible for a school to adequately assume the father’s role.
What follows are some
practical considerations regarding how a father can educate his sons.
These considerations are partly based on my own experience with my older
sons. And while this essay is specific to the father-son relationship,
much of what follows also applies to how a mother could go about talking with
her daughter. Ideally it is best if boys feel comfortable talking with
their father about these matters, and girls go to their mother. In some
situations, where one of the parents is missing or unable to provide guidance,
then it is obviously necessary to make do with the particular situation as it
is.
1.
Getting the right message out first…
If possible, it is
best to present one’s son with information about God’s plan for human sexuality
before he hears a version of this plan from another source. Just as a big
deal is made in the business world about a company getting an important message
out first so as to be able to manage the message, sometimes through hiring a
public relations firm, so a father should let his son know that God has a
wonderful plan for human sexuality before he hears about a different version of
this plan elsewhere. If a boy first hears from his father that human
sexuality is part of God’s wonderful plan for life, then any reductive
presentations of the topic that he encounters will be less damaging. The
boy will also be more likely to feel comfortable coming back to talk to his
father about anything that is bothering him.
In times past it was
less likely that a boy would be presented with a deficient view of human
sexuality at a young age. This is not the case today. Even if a
young boy does not himself view material that presents human sexuality
inappropriately, it is likely that some of his peers will have been exposed to
such material. His first introduction to this subject could be from a
conversation on the playground. So it is important that parents reach
their children with the right message first and then support this perspective
throughout the formative years.
Parents initially pass
the right message about human sexuality to their children through ordinary
family interactions and through a few messages that parents should deliberately
get across in a natural way. Children see that their parents love and respect
each other and that this love overflows to include the whole family. This good
example is very powerful in conveying truths about human love.
A father can make this
early formation of his children even more effective by verbalizing a few
particular messages to his young ones. He should tell them (more than just
once) that he is very thankful to have met their mother, to have been lucky
enough to have this wonderful woman say yes when he asked her to marry him, and
to be able to spend his life with her and the wonderful family that has
resulted. In this way the child will gradually see the unfolding of human
sexuality in the context of a loving relationship between his mother and
father, coming to see that children are the result of the loving relationship
between a husband and wife. Parents can consciously choose to follow this
approach even though it may also naturally happen without any planning.
The normal experience of human love lived in a family and occasionally spoken
about should be adequate for a boy up to about fourth grade.
2.
The first planned father-son talk…
Around fourth grade a
father should have the first of a few “planned talks” on the topic of human
sexuality with his son (and mothers with daughters, but this is not the topic
of this article). I first spoke with my oldest son, Michael, when he was
in fifth grade. I told him that I had something that I would like to talk
about with him and set a day and a time. We drove to a nearby park with
some trails that meander through the woods. We started to walk and I told
him that I wanted to tell him about God’s plan for human sexuality, that this
is a very beautiful and good plan, and that it is under attack today by people
who want to ruin it. He listened attentively and asked some questions
which I patiently answered.
At the end of our
discussion I told him that it is best if boys hear about God’s plan for human
sexuality from their fathers and that this happens for many boys. I also
told him that some boys may not hear about this from their fathers but learn some
of this in other ways, which is not as good. I told him that he should
not be the one to teach anyone else about what we had discussed.
Specifically I told him that he was not to fill in his brother Thomas (16
months younger) on this topic (or anyone else at school). And I told him
that he needs to be strong in defending what is right in these matters; that if
he hears anyone speaking badly about these things he should tell them to stop
and, if necessary, tell me or another adult depending on the situation.
He seemed to understand.
When we arrived home
Thomas was very curious. From his perspective, Dad had just left to have
an important discussion with his older brother, and he wanted to know what it
was about. He asked Michael several times and all Michael would tell him
is that he completely refused to talk about it, that he would hear about it
from Dad when the time was right.
This would not do for
Thomas, so I agreed to take him out to talk with him. I had a similar
talk with Thomas, going to the same park and walking along the same trails,
about one week after doing so with Michael. Thomas was in fourth grade at
the time. Since then, I have had similar initial talks with two more of
my sons, Joseph and Stephen, when they were in fourth grade. At the end
of each of these talks I emphasized that I am happy to answer any questions,
encouraging my sons to feel free to come and talk with me if they have any
concerns in this area.
The following are some
points that I think are helpful to keep in mind when getting ready to have the
first father-son talk about human sexuality:
·
Begin the talk with God. Rather than mentioning that this is “how babies are made” or
“how human sexuality works” or even “I want to tell you about human sexuality”
start with something like, “God has a beautiful plan for human sexuality that I, as your
father, want to tell you about.” The reason for this is that all the impure lies about
this topic are mixed with partial truths that are corrupted by reductionism, by
only considering part of the truth in a limited context. Referring to
this as “God’s plan” avoids this reductionism right from the start by setting
the proper context for the discussion. Once St. John Paul II was asked
why there is so much art in the Vatican that shows a great deal of the human
body, including sexual organs and such. The questioner was wondering if
the Vatican was guilty of displaying pornography. St. John Paul II wisely
answered that pornography is not pornography because it shows too much, but
rather because it shows too little. He meant that there is not a problem
with showing the beauty of the human person through good art; the problem is in
showing a person as reduced to his or her sexuality displayed in an objectified
way, reducing a person to an object. This pornographic objectification of
the person can be done very effectively through suggestive clothing as well as
by the lack of clothing. The essence of pornography is reductionism, not
how much of the body is revealed.
·
Tell the story of how you met your wife. This story should be told as more than a
simple lesson in family history; it should be told to make a few key points.
Explain that as you got to know your wife you recognized that she is a
wonderful woman with specific virtues (name some), someone you wanted to be
with as a companion for life, and someone who would be a good mother. Gradually
your love deepened, you decided to ask her to marry you, and she accepted your
marriage proposal. Mention that this is the way families typically begin; that
in God’s plan a man and a woman meet, get to know each other, fall in love,
marry, and are blessed by God with children. Mention that children result from
God blessing the married love of a husband and a wife. The great goodness of
God’s plan for human sexuality will naturally come across as you tell your
story. Your son will understand how God builds into human nature the desire for
marital love and a family, even as he sees it as a “grown-up thing” that he
does not relate to experientially yet.
·
You do not need to get heavily into the mechanics. Part of modern reductionism is our inordinate
attachment to efficient causality (which is only one of four types of
causality, the other three being material, formal and final) as the primary
means through which things are explained. People today think of
explaining how a thing functions as more or less explaining what there is to
know about it. The mechanism by which sexuality works is not bad
knowledge to have, and if your son asks questions about the mechanics it is
best to answer them. But a father’s initial explanations should be more
general and integrated into the full meaning of human sexuality, which
certainly cannot be reduced to mechanical function. It is good to talk
about how in God’s plan a man and a woman fall in love and get married:
that as a married couple they come together in the “marital embrace,” that
in this “marital embrace” there is a wonderful contribution by the man and a
different but equally wonderful contribution from the woman, and that these
contributions combine when a new human person is formed in the womb of the mother.
Explain to your son that this new person starts out very small and grows
quickly. Is it not wonderful that God makes it happen that a new
baby comes about through the love of a mother and father? For older boys it could be helpful to
go into more details, even if not asked directly. The important thing to
keep in mind is that this conversation should take place in the context of the
full meaning of human sexuality, which is God’s plan, and not reducible to a
mechanical process.
·
Puberty. A good opening to going deeper into this topic is telling your
son a bit about how he will start to change in a few years to become a
man. Mention that there are differences between boys and men, and girls
and women. Men have more hair on their arms and legs, bigger and
more powerful muscles, a deeper voice, need to wear deodorant, and need to
shave. Boys change into men by going through puberty. These changes
take place over a few years and typically start in about seventh grade, earlier
for some and later for others. These changes are very good and part of
God’s plan, although some things about going through puberty can be
challenging. It is common for a boy going through puberty to start to
notice and even like girls and women in a different way. Along with the changes
in one’s body there are changes in one’s heart as well. God wants us to
keep our hearts clean and reserved for love. Some people are called by
God to do this through a celibate life and others are called to do this through
giving one’s heart to one woman in the holy vocation to marriage. God
could call you to either path and you will be happiest if you pray to know
God’s plan for your life and then follow it when you see it. Because of
sin the human heart can be a traitor; it can seek for comfort and fulfillment
in things of this world rather than in God. The things of this world are
good, as coming from God, but if we only think about the things of this world
and forget that we are just passing through this life on the way to heaven then
we will not be thankful and happy but rather covetous, anxious, and sad.
Sin has wounded us, but God is there with His grace to help us when we turn to
Him. When someone is very young he might think that he will be happy if
he has the right toy to play with. We know that getting the right toy
does not really make a little child happy for very long, and so we encourage
him to share, which is a good way to not be attached to things. When a
boy going through puberty starts to notice girls in a new way he needs to
remember God’s plan for human love. If it is his vocation to marry a
wonderful woman someday then these new movements of his heart will find
fulfillment in loving and cherishing his wife once they marry. In the
meantime it is important for him to save his heart for this woman he will
someday marry or for a higher love if God calls him to celibacy. The
virtue that allows him to do this is called chastity.
How long should the
first father-son conversation be and how much should be covered? I think the answer
to these questions is that it depends. If the first of these father-son
conversations takes place around fourth grade there is not really that much of
a need to cover things in depth. The main point is to have this conversation as
a way of getting the right perspective to your son before he hears other
perspectives, which he will. The first conversation does not have to cover
everything. A good rule of thumb is to present the basics in the right way and
then let your son’s questions guide how much further to go in various areas.
3.
Ideas for ongoing father-son conversations…
After the first
father-son talk other conversations should follow. These conversations may
happen because a son comes to his father with questions or because a father
realizes that it has been a while since the last conversation and that it is
time to gently initiate a further conversation. If a boy has questions about
these matters he hopefully will feel comfortable going to his father. In many
cases, he may be shy or embarrassed. In thinking about each of his sons a
father can usually tell when it is time to connect. If a year or two go by and
all seems well it still might be a good idea to go for a walk with your son and
ask him if he remembers the earlier conversations about God’s plan for human
sexuality. Your son will appreciate you taking the time to ask him if he has
any questions and using this as a chance to again cover the beauty of God’s
plan and the virtues that we are called to live. What follows are points that could
guide additional conversations or, in some cases, could be brought up in the
first father-son talk as appropriate:
·
The virtue of chastity. Chasity is the virtue by which one possesses oneself so as to be
able to love others with the pure love that God pours into our hearts. It
is a virtue meant for everyone, married or single. A chaste person is someone
who does not seek to use other people for his own benefits or pleasure. A
chaste person is someone who can love in the best way possible because his loves
are all in proper order. It can be a struggle to live this virtue. In talking
with young boys it is probably enough to just let them know that we are called
to have a clean heart and that if at any time you have questions about this you
can always ask me, your father, or ask a priest in confession. In talking with
older boys it can be helpful to talk about the practical side of striving to
live chastity, how to “guard one’s eyes” and “guard one’s heart.” A great story
to bring up is the fall of the great King David, who is called “a man after
God’s own heart.” David’s fall starts with his failure to guard his eyes. He
looks at Bathsheba in the wrong way and one thing leads to another, culminating
in the planned murder of Uriah. Even so, David repents when corrected by Nathan
the prophet. Talking about this story with your son can be a good way to teach
about the struggle to live the virtue of chastity, as well as the healing mercy
of God.
·
Modesty. It also is helpful to mention the virtue of modesty. Modesty is
one of the virtues that support the virtue of chastity. Through modesty we live
a natural refinement and elegance. Children should be told that not only should
“private parts” be covered, but that one should dress in such a way that no
part of one’s body is inappropriately displayed. Boys should wear shirts, even
on the hottest of summer days. Of course, a boy will not wear a shirt when
swimming, but after leaving the water and toweling off it is best if he puts
his T-shirt on just for the sake of greater modesty. Even if a young boy sleeps
without a pajama shirt, it is best if he wears one prior to getting into bed.
Parents do well to explain these details as a way to live with more modesty, a
word that helps distinguish between something that is seriously wrong and
something that should ideally be better.
·
More on puberty. At some point before puberty is underway, it is a good idea to
tell your son about nocturnal emissions. The changes that take place in
puberty are good, just like God’s entire plan for human sexuality. One of these
changes is that your body will start to produce semen. Semen is the part the
father contributes to the new baby that forms in the mother’s womb. The body
produces semen in the testicles and the semen builds up to the point where it
needs to come out. This typically happens when sleeping and it may happen
during a dream that you remember upon waking. It is also possible that you
might not wake up during the nocturnal emission but notice when you do wake up
that there are wet emissions in your underwear. It is not sinful to have a
nocturnal emission while sleeping. On the other hand, trying to stimulate
yourself so as to have an emission of semen on purpose is seriously wrong. This
is called the sin of masturbation. It is wrong to stimulate oneself sexually
either by some type of physical act or by using one’s imagination. Not doing
this is part of how one lives chastity, keeping oneself whole and pure so as to
give oneself at the right time to one’s wife or to offer this dimension to God
alone if called to a celibate life. If you have any questions on this please
feel free to ask me or a priest in confession. It can be a bit surprising when
one has a nocturnal emission for the first time.
·
We are warriors in a noble battle. Educate your son about the battles that need
to be fought in our culture in defense of pure love. Remind him that the devil
works by trying to corrupt something that is good so as to destroy it and turn
souls away from God. Given that God’s plan for human sexuality is such a
tremendously good thing, it makes sense that the devil wants to corrupt it.
Unfortunately there are many examples of the devil’s work in this area,
including immodest pictures that show people as sexual objects and videos that
do the same. The devil is the father of lies and he is trying to spread lies
about human sexuality, which is really not this way. This type of material is
called pornography. Pornography can range from really bad images (what most
people think of as pornography) to more common images that also contain
pornographic elements (even though most people do not think of these immodest
images as pornographic), such as the pictures on magazine covers in a typical
supermarket. It is important to guard one’s eyes and heart and keep close to
God through prayer and the sacraments. If you notice that any of your
classmates or friends are looking at something that they should not look at you
should tell them so. Tell them that real men do not look at women like that and
that if they would not want to imagine their mother or sister in that way it
must be wrong.
·
Empowering boys to be able to react strongly. With my third and fourth sons, Joseph and
Stephen, I added some additional instruction that was very well received. I
told each of them that if anyone ever tries to show him a pornographic image on
a phone, he should grab the phone and smash it as hard as he can on the ground
and then stomp on it. Then he should tell the boy who had the phone something
like: “If you have a problem with the smashed phone tell your dad to call my
dad.” After each of my sons realized that I was serious he started to get a
dangerous grin on his face. I could tell that he was hoping for a chance to
smash someone’s phone without getting in trouble. At this point I told him that
I am very serious about this but that he should only smash a phone if he is
sure that the image is pornographic. I have yet to get a call from a father or
hear about any smashed phones.
·
Warriors are not victims. The biggest danger about pornography is that it will stick to
one’s heart. Children especially are vulnerable to this and they generally lack
the capacity to deal with a situation where someone tries to present them with
impure content or situations. For this reason, it is best if a boy hears from
his father that he should take charge of the situation to reject this great
evil in some way, whether it is smashing a phone, ripping a picture, or even
screaming something like, “You are sick! Get away from me.” These responses
give a way for a boy to actively reject impurity rather than be paralyzed by
it. Child predators know how to exploit a child’s vulnerability. They may leave
inappropriate materials out for boys to “accidentally” look at and then follow
up with them after they already feel compromised. Just as a knight draws his
sword when it is time to fight the dragon threatening the castle, so we need to
help our sons understand that there is a time for a violent and strong reaction
against anything that presents women in the wrong way or that is perverse in
some other way. A boy who is empowered by his father to fight in this way will
be much less vulnerable.
·
Knights defend women. Part of the battle for purity is also the need to defend and
protect women. Tell your sons that there is something very beautiful about
femininity and that gentlemen should treat women with refinement and respect.
Talk about good manners, such as holding a door for a woman or offering to
carry a heave package for mom. Make it clear that a boy is never to hit a girl.
It is good to have a double standard at home in this regard. If one of your
daughters gets angry and slaps one of her brothers this needs to be addressed
appropriately. But if one of your sons gets angry and hits one of his sisters,
this should be treated as a much more serious offence. Make it clear that it is
never acceptable for a man to hit a woman.
·
Our Lady. Encourage your son to
have a tender devotion to Mary, perhaps under the title Mother of Fair Love.
Turning to Mary for help in areas of human sexuality is tremendously effective.
She defends those who turn to her and has a way of straightening out anything
that is not quite right. Fathers also do well to invoke Mary’s help before and
while talking about human sexuality to their sons.
·
It is never too late. And while it is best to take the proactive approach outlined
here, reaching your sons before any problems arise, it is also never too late.
A father can still do a great deal of good by talking to his older son for the
first time. Even in cases where healing and forgiveness are needed, a loving
father reaching out to his son with encouragement can make the crucial
difference. And no matter how difficult the situation, God’s mercy and healing
are always possible.
4.
Details at home…
Fathers should also
make sure that certain practical preventive measures are followed in the home.
These details, though very important, are in no way sufficient to protect one’s
family. It would be a mistake to think that taking care of these points can
serve as a substitute for good father-son communication and trust.
·
Watch out for screens in your home. All screens should be in public places where
there is lots of family traffic. This is especially true for any screens that
are able to connect to the Internet. Many boys and young men get into trouble
with Internet pornography by initially simply indulging curiosity. This is much
easier to do if one is privately viewing a screen.
·
Mobile devices present particular challenges. Any mobile device with Internet connectivity
is a potential problem. It is not good for a boy to be able to take a laptop or
I-pad or even a smart phone off by himself to view images in apparent privacy.
It simply is not fair to place this level of temptation in the hands of a boy
or young man going through puberty, making it possible for him to have any
image on the Internet available to see in a matter of seconds.
·
Filters and parental controls. It makes sense to use filters and parental controls on the
Internet.
·
Strong family culture. It is best if there is a family culture of reading, and also
that watching screens is kept to a minimum. It can be a great family activity
to watch a good film together and then discuss it. Avoid a situation where
someone feels free to turn on the television or computer and start watching
what seems interesting at the moment. Uses of video should be planned and
social events.
·
Helping honest children to stay honest. Keep in mind that even the best prudential
steps to avoid problems in the area of human sexuality by governing one’s home
well are only able to help keep an honest child honest. If someone
intentionally seeks exposure to particular content, he will be able to get it,
despite the best parental efforts. There is much more to educating and forming
your son in the area of human sexuality than simply helping him avoid exposure
to inappropriate content. In fact, focusing too much on this negative task can
actually be deforming if it ends up reinforcing avoidance at the expense of the
more positive message that God’s plan for human sexuality is good.
5.
Teens and dating…
As their children grow
into young adults, parents will need to carefully consider how they will handle
dating. On the one hand, most would agree that parents who forbid any
interaction with the opposite sex for their high school age sons and daughters
are being too strict and risk rebellion and potential problems. On the other
hand, it is well known that an intimate personal romance among a high school
age couple rarely ends well.
The very nature of an
exclusive personal relationship between a man and a woman is that it is ordered
toward marriage and can only be fulfilled completely through marriage and all
that this union involves. Ideally a young man and a young woman would only
begin such a relationship if the intention is to be open to discerning a vocation
to marriage. If conditions are present that make such a marriage impractical at
the time and for the foreseeable future then any personal relationship that
forms has a built-in tension that is unfair to the couple. There are examples
of long periods of courtship that have led to stable and happy marriages, but
this is rare and can be difficult. For every high school couple that has ended
up happily marrying after college, there are many more examples of broken
hearts and sadness. Too many high school students who become involved in
intimate relationships end up broken hearted, depressed, or worse. Problems
with high school romance can impact all areas of life: academic, social,
family, ethical, and faith.
So how should parents
navigate these challenging waters? What guidance should parents provide their
high school age children in this area? While there is no perfect set of
guidelines that covers exactly how to do this, the following general points can
be helpful:
·
Planning group activities. One healthy way for high school age young men
and young women to interact is in groups that are doing something together that
has real human value. Examples include parents opening their homes to a planned
event such as a game night with various board games or charades. A group ice
skating or sledding excursion could work well. Youth groups in local churches
often sponsor events with a high tone, including service activities. These
events can be lots of fun and a healthy way for teens to interact.
·
Parental rules about couple dating. Some parents establish clear rules forbidding
their children to date another person as a couple until a certain age or until
given specific permission. On the positive side such a rule can help provide
specific guidance establishing that it is not acceptable for a high school
student of a particular age to form an exclusive attachment, to “date” one
particular person. The key downside with exercising parental authority through
establishing rules is the danger of fostering an overly legalistic approach. A
teenager who longs for the day when he enters his senior year of high school so
that he can then ask a girl he likes to “go steady” with him could be missing
the crucial point that the gradual development of a dating relationship is a
way to discern the vocation of marriage. It is better if a high school student
has a trusting relationship with his parents and asks them for advice and
guidance regarding possible dating. Parents can still say no to something even
if there is not a clear rule established ahead of time.
·
Practical expectations. Parents should educate their children in good manners relating
to interactions between men and women. There are several traditional norms that
governed interactions between men and women in the past. Some of these norms
are mostly forgotten (such as when walking with a woman down the street, the
man should always place himself between the woman and the street) and some are
still generally recognized as valuable (such as a man holding a door for a woman).
Parents will need to decide which of these traditional norms still make sense
to convey to their children and which are OK to ignore. There is one norm that
should be followed and emphasized above all others: at no time should a young
man and a young woman ever be together alone in a private place. Unless the two
are brother and sister, there is never a time when it is fine for a young
couple to be together alone in a house or in a room behind a closed door.
·
Father-son and mother-daughter conversations on dating and
vocation. A father should have
another planned talk with his son before he goes on his first date (see below)
and a mother with her daughter. This is best done in the context of talking
again about vocation, about following God’s plan for one’s life as the best way
to happiness. This is the most important thing that parents can do to help
their teenage sons and daughters in this area. This conversation should take
place prior to the first date, which might be the school prom.
6.
The father-son conversation prior to the first date…
Parents who are
working to avoid the extremes of forbidding all interaction between the
opposite sexes and allowing their children to enter into exclusive personal
dating relationships will often find that the school prom, typically during the
junior and senior year, provides the first dating situation. The prom ideally
is a dignified event where, even though a young man and a young woman attend as
dates, they are with their peers in a setting that has a higher tone than a
typical high school dance (these are not recommended). Some schools do things
to help set a higher human tone at this event, such as beginning with a sit
down dinner and hiring a live band. In some cases there are even dancing
lessons. The prom can be an excellent way to help train young men and women how
to interact in a more formal setting.
Prior to the prom (or
whatever the occasion of a first date) a father-son conversation could cover
the following points:
·
Start with a conversation about vocation. It is a great joy for your mother and
me to see you grow up into a responsible young man who is seeking to discern
God’s will for his life; we are proud of you. Keep praying to know God’s will
for your life. Your mother and I fully support whatever your vocation is; it is
a great privilege for us to see God’s plan for you unfolding. A call of total
dedication to God through a celibate vocation is a higher calling –and a very
beautiful one – and if God is calling you to this then great happiness (and
suffering – as with any vocation) await if you accept the call. Marriage is
also a wonderful vocation and a tremendous way that God calls many to holiness.
The vocation to marriage is particularly important in today’s world given the
need for Christian families to spread the light of Christ into the very fabric
of society (St. John Paul II even went so far as to say that, “The family is
the way for the Church…”).
·
Guarding the eyes and heart. There is a need to guard one’s eyes
and heart to keep the heart clean and whole for whatever one’s future vocation
is. If this vocation is marriage it is important to keep one’s heart “locked
with seven locks” until it can be truly given to that one special woman. On a
date, guarding one’s heart means caring for the other person with refinement
and good manners, in a chivalrous way. It also means avoiding anything that
could lead to arousal, which may or may not happen as a result of a type of
physical contact. If arousal starts to happen the appropriate response is to
avoid that type of contact in as natural a way as possible, even if the contact
is only holding hands. It is seriously wrong to do anything on purpose that
leads to sexual arousal; these motions of the body are meant for the marriage
act and to turn on these motions outside of marriage is an abuse of God’s gift
of sexuality.
·
Dating and discerning marriage. An exclusive
and close relationship with a woman makes sense when discerning marriage. Such
a relationship between a man and a woman is naturally ordered toward marriage
and can only be fulfilled completely through marriage and all that this union
involves. Ideally a young man and a young woman would only begin such a
relationship if the intention is to be open to discerning a vocation to
marriage. If conditions are present that make such a marriage impractical at
the time and for the foreseeable future then any personal relationship that
forms has a built-in tension that is unfair to the couple. In such situations
it is best to stay just friends without becoming romantically involved. There
are examples of long periods of courtship that have led to stable and happy
marriages, but this is rare and can be difficult. For every high school couple
that has ended up happily marrying after college, there are many more examples
of broken hearts and sadness. Too many high school students who become involved
in intimate relationships end up broken hearted, depressed, or worse. These
problems can end up impacting all areas of life: academic, social, family,
ethical, and faith.
·
Finding the right woman. If your vocation is to enter into
marriage, it is important to choose your spouse wisely. Only relying on
romantic feelings is not the best method. Look not only for someone to whom you
are attracted but also someone who is your equal, who you can converse with
about important things. Look for someone who is virtuous and who you think
would be a good mother to your children. It is fine to follow your heart to a
certain extent, but do not forget to use your reason as well. Does this person
share your outlook on reality so that you both will be able to pass a strong
family culture onto your children? Is this person someone who will help you
grow closer to God? What is most important to her and do you agree with the
importance of these things? Does she believe that marriage is forever? Is she
open to children?
To say that parents
are the primary educators of their children is not simply to claim that the
authority of parents should be protected and upheld. This is true, we
should uphold it, and society and the government should respect the fundamental
right of parents to make educational decisions regarding their children.
But the claim that parents are the primary educators of their children is much
more than an assertion of parental rights. It is also a statement of the
simple fact that from the earliest age children look to their parents to
understand the world around them and their place in it. Parents mediate
the world to their children, and a large part of how a child understands
reality is the result of his or her experience as a person in a family.
A clear example of
this mediation is the indispensable and irreplaceable role of the father in the
education of his sons in the area of human sexuality. A father’s
authority to teach is intimately connected to his living example as the father
of his children and the husband of his wife, the children’s mother.
Simply because he is the father, his sons naturally look to him as a role model
for the proper treatment of women, imitating how he cares for their mother and
sisters. The father has a privileged position from which he can teach his
sons about God’s plan for human sexuality and fruitfulness, unfolding this
topic in its proper context and full dimension. This is an area where it
is simply not possible for a school to adequately assume the father’s role.
What follows are some
practical considerations regarding how a father can educate his sons.
These considerations are partly based on my own experience with my older
sons. And while this essay is specific to the father-son relationship,
much of what follows also applies to how a mother could go about talking with
her daughter. Ideally it is best if boys feel comfortable talking with
their father about these matters, and girls go to their mother. In some
situations, where one of the parents is missing or unable to provide guidance,
then it is obviously necessary to make do with the particular situation as it
is.
1.
Getting the right message out first…
If possible, it is
best to present one’s son with information about God’s plan for human sexuality
before he hears a version of this plan from another source. Just as a big
deal is made in the business world about a company getting an important message
out first so as to be able to manage the message, sometimes through hiring a
public relations firm, so a father should let his son know that God has a
wonderful plan for human sexuality before he hears about a different version of
this plan elsewhere. If a boy first hears from his father that human
sexuality is part of God’s wonderful plan for life, then any reductive
presentations of the topic that he encounters will be less damaging. The
boy will also be more likely to feel comfortable coming back to talk to his
father about anything that is bothering him.
In times past it was
less likely that a boy would be presented with a deficient view of human
sexuality at a young age. This is not the case today. Even if a
young boy does not himself view material that presents human sexuality
inappropriately, it is likely that some of his peers will have been exposed to
such material. His first introduction to this subject could be from a
conversation on the playground. So it is important that parents reach
their children with the right message first and then support this perspective
throughout the formative years.
Parents initially pass
the right message about human sexuality to their children through ordinary
family interactions and through a few messages that parents should deliberately
get across in a natural way. Children see that their parents love and respect
each other and that this love overflows to include the whole family. This good
example is very powerful in conveying truths about human love.
A father can make this
early formation of his children even more effective by verbalizing a few
particular messages to his young ones. He should tell them (more than just
once) that he is very thankful to have met their mother, to have been lucky
enough to have this wonderful woman say yes when he asked her to marry him, and
to be able to spend his life with her and the wonderful family that has
resulted. In this way the child will gradually see the unfolding of human
sexuality in the context of a loving relationship between his mother and
father, coming to see that children are the result of the loving relationship
between a husband and wife. Parents can consciously choose to follow this
approach even though it may also naturally happen without any planning.
The normal experience of human love lived in a family and occasionally spoken
about should be adequate for a boy up to about fourth grade.
2.
The first planned father-son talk…
Around fourth grade a
father should have the first of a few “planned talks” on the topic of human
sexuality with his son (and mothers with daughters, but this is not the topic
of this article). I first spoke with my oldest son, Michael, when he was
in fifth grade. I told him that I had something that I would like to talk
about with him and set a day and a time. We drove to a nearby park with
some trails that meander through the woods. We started to walk and I told
him that I wanted to tell him about God’s plan for human sexuality, that this
is a very beautiful and good plan, and that it is under attack today by people
who want to ruin it. He listened attentively and asked some questions
which I patiently answered.
At the end of our
discussion I told him that it is best if boys hear about God’s plan for human
sexuality from their fathers and that this happens for many boys. I also
told him that some boys may not hear about this from their fathers but learn some
of this in other ways, which is not as good. I told him that he should
not be the one to teach anyone else about what we had discussed.
Specifically I told him that he was not to fill in his brother Thomas (16
months younger) on this topic (or anyone else at school). And I told him
that he needs to be strong in defending what is right in these matters; that if
he hears anyone speaking badly about these things he should tell them to stop
and, if necessary, tell me or another adult depending on the situation.
He seemed to understand.
When we arrived home
Thomas was very curious. From his perspective, Dad had just left to have
an important discussion with his older brother, and he wanted to know what it
was about. He asked Michael several times and all Michael would tell him
is that he completely refused to talk about it, that he would hear about it
from Dad when the time was right.
This would not do for
Thomas, so I agreed to take him out to talk with him. I had a similar
talk with Thomas, going to the same park and walking along the same trails,
about one week after doing so with Michael. Thomas was in fourth grade at
the time. Since then, I have had similar initial talks with two more of
my sons, Joseph and Stephen, when they were in fourth grade. At the end
of each of these talks I emphasized that I am happy to answer any questions,
encouraging my sons to feel free to come and talk with me if they have any
concerns in this area.
The following are some
points that I think are helpful to keep in mind when getting ready to have the
first father-son talk about human sexuality:
·
Begin the talk with God. Rather than mentioning that this is “how babies are made” or
“how human sexuality works” or even “I want to tell you about human sexuality”
start with something like, “God has a beautiful plan for human sexuality that I, as your
father, want to tell you about.” The reason for this is that all the impure lies about
this topic are mixed with partial truths that are corrupted by reductionism, by
only considering part of the truth in a limited context. Referring to
this as “God’s plan” avoids this reductionism right from the start by setting
the proper context for the discussion. Once St. John Paul II was asked
why there is so much art in the Vatican that shows a great deal of the human
body, including sexual organs and such. The questioner was wondering if
the Vatican was guilty of displaying pornography. St. John Paul II wisely
answered that pornography is not pornography because it shows too much, but
rather because it shows too little. He meant that there is not a problem
with showing the beauty of the human person through good art; the problem is in
showing a person as reduced to his or her sexuality displayed in an objectified
way, reducing a person to an object. This pornographic objectification of
the person can be done very effectively through suggestive clothing as well as
by the lack of clothing. The essence of pornography is reductionism, not
how much of the body is revealed.
·
Tell the story of how you met your wife. This story should be told as more than a
simple lesson in family history; it should be told to make a few key points.
Explain that as you got to know your wife you recognized that she is a
wonderful woman with specific virtues (name some), someone you wanted to be
with as a companion for life, and someone who would be a good mother. Gradually
your love deepened, you decided to ask her to marry you, and she accepted your
marriage proposal. Mention that this is the way families typically begin; that
in God’s plan a man and a woman meet, get to know each other, fall in love,
marry, and are blessed by God with children. Mention that children result from
God blessing the married love of a husband and a wife. The great goodness of
God’s plan for human sexuality will naturally come across as you tell your
story. Your son will understand how God builds into human nature the desire for
marital love and a family, even as he sees it as a “grown-up thing” that he
does not relate to experientially yet.
·
You do not need to get heavily into the mechanics. Part of modern reductionism is our inordinate
attachment to efficient causality (which is only one of four types of
causality, the other three being material, formal and final) as the primary
means through which things are explained. People today think of
explaining how a thing functions as more or less explaining what there is to
know about it. The mechanism by which sexuality works is not bad
knowledge to have, and if your son asks questions about the mechanics it is
best to answer them. But a father’s initial explanations should be more
general and integrated into the full meaning of human sexuality, which
certainly cannot be reduced to mechanical function. It is good to talk
about how in God’s plan a man and a woman fall in love and get married:
that as a married couple they come together in the “marital embrace,” that
in this “marital embrace” there is a wonderful contribution by the man and a
different but equally wonderful contribution from the woman, and that these
contributions combine when a new human person is formed in the womb of the mother.
Explain to your son that this new person starts out very small and grows
quickly. Is it not wonderful that God makes it happen that a new
baby comes about through the love of a mother and father? For older boys it could be helpful to
go into more details, even if not asked directly. The important thing to
keep in mind is that this conversation should take place in the context of the
full meaning of human sexuality, which is God’s plan, and not reducible to a
mechanical process.
·
Puberty. A good opening to going deeper into this topic is telling your
son a bit about how he will start to change in a few years to become a
man. Mention that there are differences between boys and men, and girls
and women. Men have more hair on their arms and legs, bigger and
more powerful muscles, a deeper voice, need to wear deodorant, and need to
shave. Boys change into men by going through puberty. These changes
take place over a few years and typically start in about seventh grade, earlier
for some and later for others. These changes are very good and part of
God’s plan, although some things about going through puberty can be
challenging. It is common for a boy going through puberty to start to
notice and even like girls and women in a different way. Along with the changes
in one’s body there are changes in one’s heart as well. God wants us to
keep our hearts clean and reserved for love. Some people are called by
God to do this through a celibate life and others are called to do this through
giving one’s heart to one woman in the holy vocation to marriage. God
could call you to either path and you will be happiest if you pray to know
God’s plan for your life and then follow it when you see it. Because of
sin the human heart can be a traitor; it can seek for comfort and fulfillment
in things of this world rather than in God. The things of this world are
good, as coming from God, but if we only think about the things of this world
and forget that we are just passing through this life on the way to heaven then
we will not be thankful and happy but rather covetous, anxious, and sad.
Sin has wounded us, but God is there with His grace to help us when we turn to
Him. When someone is very young he might think that he will be happy if
he has the right toy to play with. We know that getting the right toy
does not really make a little child happy for very long, and so we encourage
him to share, which is a good way to not be attached to things. When a
boy going through puberty starts to notice girls in a new way he needs to
remember God’s plan for human love. If it is his vocation to marry a
wonderful woman someday then these new movements of his heart will find
fulfillment in loving and cherishing his wife once they marry. In the
meantime it is important for him to save his heart for this woman he will
someday marry or for a higher love if God calls him to celibacy. The
virtue that allows him to do this is called chastity.
How long should the
first father-son conversation be and how much should be covered? I think the answer
to these questions is that it depends. If the first of these father-son
conversations takes place around fourth grade there is not really that much of
a need to cover things in depth. The main point is to have this conversation as
a way of getting the right perspective to your son before he hears other
perspectives, which he will. The first conversation does not have to cover
everything. A good rule of thumb is to present the basics in the right way and
then let your son’s questions guide how much further to go in various areas.
3.
Ideas for ongoing father-son conversations…
After the first
father-son talk other conversations should follow. These conversations may
happen because a son comes to his father with questions or because a father
realizes that it has been a while since the last conversation and that it is
time to gently initiate a further conversation. If a boy has questions about
these matters he hopefully will feel comfortable going to his father. In many
cases, he may be shy or embarrassed. In thinking about each of his sons a
father can usually tell when it is time to connect. If a year or two go by and
all seems well it still might be a good idea to go for a walk with your son and
ask him if he remembers the earlier conversations about God’s plan for human
sexuality. Your son will appreciate you taking the time to ask him if he has
any questions and using this as a chance to again cover the beauty of God’s
plan and the virtues that we are called to live. What follows are points that could
guide additional conversations or, in some cases, could be brought up in the
first father-son talk as appropriate:
·
The virtue of chastity. Chasity is the virtue by which one possesses oneself so as to be
able to love others with the pure love that God pours into our hearts. It
is a virtue meant for everyone, married or single. A chaste person is someone
who does not seek to use other people for his own benefits or pleasure. A
chaste person is someone who can love in the best way possible because his loves
are all in proper order. It can be a struggle to live this virtue. In talking
with young boys it is probably enough to just let them know that we are called
to have a clean heart and that if at any time you have questions about this you
can always ask me, your father, or ask a priest in confession. In talking with
older boys it can be helpful to talk about the practical side of striving to
live chastity, how to “guard one’s eyes” and “guard one’s heart.” A great story
to bring up is the fall of the great King David, who is called “a man after
God’s own heart.” David’s fall starts with his failure to guard his eyes. He
looks at Bathsheba in the wrong way and one thing leads to another, culminating
in the planned murder of Uriah. Even so, David repents when corrected by Nathan
the prophet. Talking about this story with your son can be a good way to teach
about the struggle to live the virtue of chastity, as well as the healing mercy
of God.
·
Modesty. It also is helpful to mention the virtue of modesty. Modesty is
one of the virtues that support the virtue of chastity. Through modesty we live
a natural refinement and elegance. Children should be told that not only should
“private parts” be covered, but that one should dress in such a way that no
part of one’s body is inappropriately displayed. Boys should wear shirts, even
on the hottest of summer days. Of course, a boy will not wear a shirt when
swimming, but after leaving the water and toweling off it is best if he puts
his T-shirt on just for the sake of greater modesty. Even if a young boy sleeps
without a pajama shirt, it is best if he wears one prior to getting into bed.
Parents do well to explain these details as a way to live with more modesty, a
word that helps distinguish between something that is seriously wrong and
something that should ideally be better.
·
More on puberty. At some point before puberty is underway, it is a good idea to
tell your son about nocturnal emissions. The changes that take place in
puberty are good, just like God’s entire plan for human sexuality. One of these
changes is that your body will start to produce semen. Semen is the part the
father contributes to the new baby that forms in the mother’s womb. The body
produces semen in the testicles and the semen builds up to the point where it
needs to come out. This typically happens when sleeping and it may happen
during a dream that you remember upon waking. It is also possible that you
might not wake up during the nocturnal emission but notice when you do wake up
that there are wet emissions in your underwear. It is not sinful to have a
nocturnal emission while sleeping. On the other hand, trying to stimulate
yourself so as to have an emission of semen on purpose is seriously wrong. This
is called the sin of masturbation. It is wrong to stimulate oneself sexually
either by some type of physical act or by using one’s imagination. Not doing
this is part of how one lives chastity, keeping oneself whole and pure so as to
give oneself at the right time to one’s wife or to offer this dimension to God
alone if called to a celibate life. If you have any questions on this please
feel free to ask me or a priest in confession. It can be a bit surprising when
one has a nocturnal emission for the first time.
·
We are warriors in a noble battle. Educate your son about the battles that need
to be fought in our culture in defense of pure love. Remind him that the devil
works by trying to corrupt something that is good so as to destroy it and turn
souls away from God. Given that God’s plan for human sexuality is such a
tremendously good thing, it makes sense that the devil wants to corrupt it.
Unfortunately there are many examples of the devil’s work in this area,
including immodest pictures that show people as sexual objects and videos that
do the same. The devil is the father of lies and he is trying to spread lies
about human sexuality, which is really not this way. This type of material is
called pornography. Pornography can range from really bad images (what most
people think of as pornography) to more common images that also contain
pornographic elements (even though most people do not think of these immodest
images as pornographic), such as the pictures on magazine covers in a typical
supermarket. It is important to guard one’s eyes and heart and keep close to
God through prayer and the sacraments. If you notice that any of your
classmates or friends are looking at something that they should not look at you
should tell them so. Tell them that real men do not look at women like that and
that if they would not want to imagine their mother or sister in that way it
must be wrong.
·
Empowering boys to be able to react strongly. With my third and fourth sons, Joseph and
Stephen, I added some additional instruction that was very well received. I
told each of them that if anyone ever tries to show him a pornographic image on
a phone, he should grab the phone and smash it as hard as he can on the ground
and then stomp on it. Then he should tell the boy who had the phone something
like: “If you have a problem with the smashed phone tell your dad to call my
dad.” After each of my sons realized that I was serious he started to get a
dangerous grin on his face. I could tell that he was hoping for a chance to
smash someone’s phone without getting in trouble. At this point I told him that
I am very serious about this but that he should only smash a phone if he is
sure that the image is pornographic. I have yet to get a call from a father or
hear about any smashed phones.
·
Warriors are not victims. The biggest danger about pornography is that it will stick to
one’s heart. Children especially are vulnerable to this and they generally lack
the capacity to deal with a situation where someone tries to present them with
impure content or situations. For this reason, it is best if a boy hears from
his father that he should take charge of the situation to reject this great
evil in some way, whether it is smashing a phone, ripping a picture, or even
screaming something like, “You are sick! Get away from me.” These responses
give a way for a boy to actively reject impurity rather than be paralyzed by
it. Child predators know how to exploit a child’s vulnerability. They may leave
inappropriate materials out for boys to “accidentally” look at and then follow
up with them after they already feel compromised. Just as a knight draws his
sword when it is time to fight the dragon threatening the castle, so we need to
help our sons understand that there is a time for a violent and strong reaction
against anything that presents women in the wrong way or that is perverse in
some other way. A boy who is empowered by his father to fight in this way will
be much less vulnerable.
·
Knights defend women. Part of the battle for purity is also the need to defend and
protect women. Tell your sons that there is something very beautiful about
femininity and that gentlemen should treat women with refinement and respect.
Talk about good manners, such as holding a door for a woman or offering to
carry a heave package for mom. Make it clear that a boy is never to hit a girl.
It is good to have a double standard at home in this regard. If one of your
daughters gets angry and slaps one of her brothers this needs to be addressed
appropriately. But if one of your sons gets angry and hits one of his sisters,
this should be treated as a much more serious offence. Make it clear that it is
never acceptable for a man to hit a woman.
·
Our Lady. Encourage your son to
have a tender devotion to Mary, perhaps under the title Mother of Fair Love.
Turning to Mary for help in areas of human sexuality is tremendously effective.
She defends those who turn to her and has a way of straightening out anything
that is not quite right. Fathers also do well to invoke Mary’s help before and
while talking about human sexuality to their sons.
·
It is never too late. And while it is best to take the proactive approach outlined
here, reaching your sons before any problems arise, it is also never too late.
A father can still do a great deal of good by talking to his older son for the
first time. Even in cases where healing and forgiveness are needed, a loving
father reaching out to his son with encouragement can make the crucial
difference. And no matter how difficult the situation, God’s mercy and healing
are always possible.
4.
Details at home…
Fathers should also
make sure that certain practical preventive measures are followed in the home.
These details, though very important, are in no way sufficient to protect one’s
family. It would be a mistake to think that taking care of these points can
serve as a substitute for good father-son communication and trust.
·
Watch out for screens in your home. All screens should be in public places where
there is lots of family traffic. This is especially true for any screens that
are able to connect to the Internet. Many boys and young men get into trouble
with Internet pornography by initially simply indulging curiosity. This is much
easier to do if one is privately viewing a screen.
·
Mobile devices present particular challenges. Any mobile device with Internet connectivity
is a potential problem. It is not good for a boy to be able to take a laptop or
I-pad or even a smart phone off by himself to view images in apparent privacy.
It simply is not fair to place this level of temptation in the hands of a boy
or young man going through puberty, making it possible for him to have any
image on the Internet available to see in a matter of seconds.
·
Filters and parental controls. It makes sense to use filters and parental controls on the
Internet.
·
Strong family culture. It is best if there is a family culture of reading, and also
that watching screens is kept to a minimum. It can be a great family activity
to watch a good film together and then discuss it. Avoid a situation where
someone feels free to turn on the television or computer and start watching
what seems interesting at the moment. Uses of video should be planned and
social events.
·
Helping honest children to stay honest. Keep in mind that even the best prudential
steps to avoid problems in the area of human sexuality by governing one’s home
well are only able to help keep an honest child honest. If someone
intentionally seeks exposure to particular content, he will be able to get it,
despite the best parental efforts. There is much more to educating and forming
your son in the area of human sexuality than simply helping him avoid exposure
to inappropriate content. In fact, focusing too much on this negative task can
actually be deforming if it ends up reinforcing avoidance at the expense of the
more positive message that God’s plan for human sexuality is good.
5.
Teens and dating…
As their children grow
into young adults, parents will need to carefully consider how they will handle
dating. On the one hand, most would agree that parents who forbid any
interaction with the opposite sex for their high school age sons and daughters
are being too strict and risk rebellion and potential problems. On the other
hand, it is well known that an intimate personal romance among a high school
age couple rarely ends well.
The very nature of an
exclusive personal relationship between a man and a woman is that it is ordered
toward marriage and can only be fulfilled completely through marriage and all
that this union involves. Ideally a young man and a young woman would only
begin such a relationship if the intention is to be open to discerning a vocation
to marriage. If conditions are present that make such a marriage impractical at
the time and for the foreseeable future then any personal relationship that
forms has a built-in tension that is unfair to the couple. There are examples
of long periods of courtship that have led to stable and happy marriages, but
this is rare and can be difficult. For every high school couple that has ended
up happily marrying after college, there are many more examples of broken
hearts and sadness. Too many high school students who become involved in
intimate relationships end up broken hearted, depressed, or worse. Problems
with high school romance can impact all areas of life: academic, social,
family, ethical, and faith.
So how should parents
navigate these challenging waters? What guidance should parents provide their
high school age children in this area? While there is no perfect set of
guidelines that covers exactly how to do this, the following general points can
be helpful:
·
Planning group activities. One healthy way for high school age young men
and young women to interact is in groups that are doing something together that
has real human value. Examples include parents opening their homes to a planned
event such as a game night with various board games or charades. A group ice
skating or sledding excursion could work well. Youth groups in local churches
often sponsor events with a high tone, including service activities. These
events can be lots of fun and a healthy way for teens to interact.
·
Parental rules about couple dating. Some parents establish clear rules forbidding
their children to date another person as a couple until a certain age or until
given specific permission. On the positive side such a rule can help provide
specific guidance establishing that it is not acceptable for a high school
student of a particular age to form an exclusive attachment, to “date” one
particular person. The key downside with exercising parental authority through
establishing rules is the danger of fostering an overly legalistic approach. A
teenager who longs for the day when he enters his senior year of high school so
that he can then ask a girl he likes to “go steady” with him could be missing
the crucial point that the gradual development of a dating relationship is a
way to discern the vocation of marriage. It is better if a high school student
has a trusting relationship with his parents and asks them for advice and
guidance regarding possible dating. Parents can still say no to something even
if there is not a clear rule established ahead of time.
·
Practical expectations. Parents should educate their children in good manners relating
to interactions between men and women. There are several traditional norms that
governed interactions between men and women in the past. Some of these norms
are mostly forgotten (such as when walking with a woman down the street, the
man should always place himself between the woman and the street) and some are
still generally recognized as valuable (such as a man holding a door for a woman).
Parents will need to decide which of these traditional norms still make sense
to convey to their children and which are OK to ignore. There is one norm that
should be followed and emphasized above all others: at no time should a young
man and a young woman ever be together alone in a private place. Unless the two
are brother and sister, there is never a time when it is fine for a young
couple to be together alone in a house or in a room behind a closed door.
·
Father-son and mother-daughter conversations on dating and
vocation. A father should have
another planned talk with his son before he goes on his first date (see below)
and a mother with her daughter. This is best done in the context of talking
again about vocation, about following God’s plan for one’s life as the best way
to happiness. This is the most important thing that parents can do to help
their teenage sons and daughters in this area. This conversation should take
place prior to the first date, which might be the school prom.
6.
The father-son conversation prior to the first date…
Parents who are
working to avoid the extremes of forbidding all interaction between the
opposite sexes and allowing their children to enter into exclusive personal
dating relationships will often find that the school prom, typically during the
junior and senior year, provides the first dating situation. The prom ideally
is a dignified event where, even though a young man and a young woman attend as
dates, they are with their peers in a setting that has a higher tone than a
typical high school dance (these are not recommended). Some schools do things
to help set a higher human tone at this event, such as beginning with a sit
down dinner and hiring a live band. In some cases there are even dancing
lessons. The prom can be an excellent way to help train young men and women how
to interact in a more formal setting.
Prior to the prom (or
whatever the occasion of a first date) a father-son conversation could cover
the following points:
·
Start with a conversation about vocation. It is a great joy for your mother and
me to see you grow up into a responsible young man who is seeking to discern
God’s will for his life; we are proud of you. Keep praying to know God’s will
for your life. Your mother and I fully support whatever your vocation is; it is
a great privilege for us to see God’s plan for you unfolding. A call of total
dedication to God through a celibate vocation is a higher calling –and a very
beautiful one – and if God is calling you to this then great happiness (and
suffering – as with any vocation) await if you accept the call. Marriage is
also a wonderful vocation and a tremendous way that God calls many to holiness.
The vocation to marriage is particularly important in today’s world given the
need for Christian families to spread the light of Christ into the very fabric
of society (St. John Paul II even went so far as to say that, “The family is
the way for the Church…”).
·
Guarding the eyes and heart. There is a need to guard one’s eyes
and heart to keep the heart clean and whole for whatever one’s future vocation
is. If this vocation is marriage it is important to keep one’s heart “locked
with seven locks” until it can be truly given to that one special woman. On a
date, guarding one’s heart means caring for the other person with refinement
and good manners, in a chivalrous way. It also means avoiding anything that
could lead to arousal, which may or may not happen as a result of a type of
physical contact. If arousal starts to happen the appropriate response is to
avoid that type of contact in as natural a way as possible, even if the contact
is only holding hands. It is seriously wrong to do anything on purpose that
leads to sexual arousal; these motions of the body are meant for the marriage
act and to turn on these motions outside of marriage is an abuse of God’s gift
of sexuality.
·
Dating and discerning marriage. An exclusive
and close relationship with a woman makes sense when discerning marriage. Such
a relationship between a man and a woman is naturally ordered toward marriage
and can only be fulfilled completely through marriage and all that this union
involves. Ideally a young man and a young woman would only begin such a
relationship if the intention is to be open to discerning a vocation to
marriage. If conditions are present that make such a marriage impractical at
the time and for the foreseeable future then any personal relationship that
forms has a built-in tension that is unfair to the couple. In such situations
it is best to stay just friends without becoming romantically involved. There
are examples of long periods of courtship that have led to stable and happy
marriages, but this is rare and can be difficult. For every high school couple
that has ended up happily marrying after college, there are many more examples
of broken hearts and sadness. Too many high school students who become involved
in intimate relationships end up broken hearted, depressed, or worse. These
problems can end up impacting all areas of life: academic, social, family,
ethical, and faith.
·
Finding the right woman. If your vocation is to enter into
marriage, it is important to choose your spouse wisely. Only relying on
romantic feelings is not the best method. Look not only for someone to whom you
are attracted but also someone who is your equal, who you can converse with
about important things. Look for someone who is virtuous and who you think
would be a good mother to your children. It is fine to follow your heart to a
certain extent, but do not forget to use your reason as well. Does this person
share your outlook on reality so that you both will be able to pass a strong
family culture onto your children? Is this person someone who will help you
grow closer to God? What is most important to her and do you agree with the
importance of these things? Does she believe that marriage is forever? Is she
open to children?
No comments:
Post a Comment